Stomach pains

8 Jun

I am always looking for signs from the Universe.  I don’t believe in coincidences.  This means I am constantly paranoid and always alert for something bad happening to me because something bad happened to someone in a movie and that person looks like me.  Or has a daughter like me.  I was watching “Mad Men” on Sunday and the main character’s daughter Sallie started her period.  Oh my god.  I have a daughter too!  And she is going through puberty!  This must be the Universe telling me that Emma is going to start her period!  See?  There are no coincidences!   After watching this show and getting my message, I have been super alert to “stomach pains.”  My radar went off today when Mike told me that Emma said she didn’t feel good and that her stomach has been hurting since lunch.  Ding ding ding goes my radar.  

Me:  Emma?  Your stomach has been hurting since lunch?  

Emma:  Yeah.

Me:  Where has it been hurting?  

Emma:  It just hurts.  

Me:  Well…um…does it feel like a cramp?  (How do I ask this tactfully?)

Emma:  It’s not that kind of pain Mommy, it just feels nauseous.  

Me: Oh?  And what kind of pain and I talking about?

Emma:  The kind that makes Daddy go “la la la la.”


I guess she knows what I am talking about. 

Smelly kids

6 Jun

I don’t know when it happens, but kids reach a point when they go from smelling like flowers to smelling like death.  It’s almost overnight.  I think it happens when they become potty trained.  The diaper buffers their farts and as soon as the diaper is gone, the farts start to stink.  Penny is still in that stage where every bodily sound is adorable.  I love it when she farts.  It’s so cute.  But the other three?  Hell no.  They smell awful.  I’m talking about roll down the window I may puke awful.  And the body odor!  Wow!  Emma smells worse than a street bum who hasn’t showered in a year.  How does that happen?  Her clothes are permanently drenched with her body odor.  Of course, BO is a migraine trigger for me too.  I can’t help but get a little pissy when I go to give my daughter a hug and all I can smell is BO and then I start to get those telltale signs of an impending migraine and I get mad.  “Dammit Emma, go take a shower.” Seriously, kids stink and they aren’t afraid to show it.  Lucas loves to fart.  He does it in public all the time and then loudly exclaims “I farted,” and then laughs maniacally.  His farts are so loud too and he lets them out right near me.  I’m always afraid people are going to think it’s me so I announce, “Lucas, no farting in public.”  Then I look around to make sure people know it was my son and not me.  How embarrassing.  At least I have Penny, whose sweet little farts are buffered by her padded diaper butt.  I’ll cherish those farts for now because I know the day will come when she smells like death.  


The start of something new

28 May

I have attempted three or four different blogs in my quest for something new.  This is my latest attempt and I am hoping I can stick with this one.  I really liked my old blog, “” I didn’t like the platform and I no longer live in Forks.  So, here’s to Four Windmills.